I came across an article recently about the things children notice without adults realizing it. It wasn’t about what we say directly, but about the subtler cues kids pick up on all the time:
- how we treat our partner
- how we feel about our body
- where our attention goes
- what we value
- whether we express pride in them
These are not surface observations. Children are keen observers of the emotional climate around them.
They don’t just hear our words—they register:
- our tone
- our posture
- our sighs
- our silences.
They pick up on whether we live with self-criticism or self-compassion.
They absorb how much of our attention goes into:
- screens
- work
- worry
- and how much turns toward them
In many ways, they are building their sense of self not only from how we respond to them, but also from how we live our lives in front of them.
This is exactly what I explore in The Enneagram World of the Child. Early personality development is deeply shaped by these subtle signals. For example, when a parent constantly criticizes themselves, the child may internalize the belief that love and worth must be earned through performance or perfection. When a parent is frequently distracted, the child may come to feel that their presence is insufficient to hold their attention. Each personality pattern begins in these everyday relational moments, not in grand events.
The book invites parents to look beneath the obvious behaviors and into the emotional atmosphere that children breathe in daily. If a child notices tension between parents, they are likely to take it personally, interpreting it as something to fix or avoid. If they notice warmth, humor, or genuine pride, they build resilience and trust.
Children are always learning—especially when we think they aren’t watching. By bringing awareness to what they actually notice, parents can nurture development that is less about coping with invisible tensions and more about growing into a grounded, compassionate sense of self.
John Harper is a Diamond Approach® teacher, Enneagram guide, and a student of human development whose work bridges psychology, spirituality, and deep experiential inquiry. He is the author of The Enneagram World of the Child: Nurturing Resilience and Self-Compassion in Early Life and Good Vibrations: Primordial Sounds of Existence, available on Amazon.