The Subtle Trauma of a Loaded Question
The words slice through the air like a blade: What did you do?
For an adult, it may sound like a simple inquiry. For a child, it’s often a lightning bolt of shame. In that moment, the child isn’t exploring what happened. They are searching for what they did wrong.
This question—What did you do?—carries with it a presumption of guilt. The child hears, ‘You’re at fault.‘ ‘You’re to blame.’ ‘You messed up.’ Before they even know what the situation is, their nervous system flares—fight, flight, or freeze. And more often than not, freeze wins. The child disconnects from their body, from their truth, and frequently, trust.
It is a question that collapses curiosity. There is no space for “maybe it wasn’t me,” or “maybe I need help understanding.” The question doesn’t open a dialogue. It opens a courtroom, and the child is already on trial.
The alternative? Two gentler, more spacious words: What happened?
This question doesn’t assign blame. It invites presence. It keeps the field open. What happened? says: I’m here with you. Let’s look together. Let’s understand.
The shift is subtle. The impact is profound.
Over time, repeated exposure to accusatory questioning conditions a child’s self-perception. Instead of developing an inner compass rooted in curiosity, they develop an inner judge. One who whispers You did it again every time something goes wrong. It’s not just about one moment—it’s about how moments accumulate and shape the self.
This trauma is often quiet, invisible. Carried into adulthood as hyper-vigilance, self-censorship, perfectionism, or people-pleasing. The adult who fears mistakes. The adult who assumes they’re the problem. The adult who hears “What did you do?” in their head even when no one is asking.
Understanding begins when we change the questions. Not just the questions we ask our children, but the ones we ask ourselves.
What if, instead of self-blame, we met each moment with open-ended curiosity? What if we learned to ask, again and again: What happened?
And then listened—without judgment.
John Harper is a Diamond Approach teacher, Enneagram guide, and human development student whose work bridges psychology, spirituality, and deep experiential inquiry. He is the author of The Enneagram World of the Child: Nurturing Resilience and Self-Compassion in Early Life and Good Vibrations: Primordial Sounds of Existence, available on Amazon.