NO isn’t a bad thing, it’s a necessary thing.
Reading this article by a kindergarten teacher…brought something heartbreaking into focus. She shared that more and more children are arriving at school without the ability to accept the word no. And without that, she said, they’re almost unteachable. It wasn’t said with judgment. It was told like someone watching a thread unravel, they can’t reweave.
And I couldn’t help but nod.
I remembered the neighbors I once lived beside—not in childhood, but not long ago. The memory still lingers. Their voices carried all afternoon out by the pool—yelling, threatening, issuing consequence after consequence that never came. “You’re going to your room!” “I’ve had it!” but nothing ever followed. It was just more yelling. More escalation. The children, 8 and 10, didn’t cry. They didn’t resist. They just kept on.
It was a house without ground.
The volume was high, but the authority was hollow.
And in that echo, something necessary was missing.
I see it often now. So many parents are adrift between helplessness and powerlessness. They lack the discipline the children need. Without that firmness, held with love and clarity, the child floats. Later, they crash.
In The Enneagram World of the Child, we explore how the early ego shapes itself in the relational field of the first six years. The primary emotional dynamics—anger, fear, shame, and the superego—aren’t just psychodynamic factors; they’re responses to the environment. And when that environment can’t hold boundaries, the child bends, hardens, disappears, or begins to dominate.
- Children push to test the reality of boundaries early in life.
- Others retreat from abusive or aggressive boundary setting.
- Still others become pleasers, managing everyone’s emotions to keep the house from breaking apart.
But over time, something deeper sets in. The child begins to believe that limits are arbitrary. That love is unstable. And perhaps most painfully, they may feel that others don’t matter. Because if no one ever said no to them and meant it, they never had to learn to consider others.
That’s the part we rarely speak aloud.
Not out of blame—but out of ache.
No matter how loving their intentions, a parent who cannot hold the line may raise a child who doesn’t recognize that others have lines. And that child may grow into an adult who demands, pushes, and expects—without considering the cost—not because they’re unkind but because no one ever taught them the value of otherness.
Boundaries, when held with presence, don’t just teach respect and consideration; they teach ethics. They teach relationship. They whisper: This is where I end, and you begin. And both of us matter.
There is no villain in this story—only inheritance. So many parents today have never been shown what real authority looks like—quiet, calm, and unwavering. They inherited either domination or chaos. And now they improvise, exhausted and unsure.
But the child doesn’t see all that. The child knows where the limit is, which usually exceeds the parents’ desire or what’s appropriate for the situation.
This is not a call for harsher parenting. It’s a lament for the loss of the necessary no. The no that is a shelter. The no that is reliable. The no that says, I see you. I love you. And I will not let us go off the rails.
What’s missing now is not discipline, but coherence. Not control, but rootedness.
And it shows—subtly, unmistakably—in the classroom, on the sidewalk, and in our adult relationships. We live in a world full of people who don’t quite know how to stop themselves or consider someone else first, not because they’re selfish, but because they were never genuinely taught how. They were never guided into socialization’s slow, relational work of boundaries, empathy, and the quiet discipline of being with others.
Who taught you what “NO” meant?
Was it safe, or sharp?
Did it shape you, or did it leave a hole?
And now, in your presence with others, can you offer what was missing?
Building upon our previous discussion in “Throwing the Baby Out with the Bathwater”, it’s essential to delve deeper into the psychological underpinnings of early childhood development, particularly the separation-individuation phase.
Margaret Mahler’s separation-individuation theory emphasizes the critical period between approximately 18 months and three years of age, during which a child begins to distinguish themselves from their primary caregiver, typically the mother. This phase involves the child developing a sense of individuality and autonomy while relying on the caregiver for security and guidance.
The child may struggle with identity formation and boundary recognition later in life if the foundation for healthy boundaries isn’t established during this period. This can manifest as difficulties in relationships, challenges in self-regulation, and a propensity for behaviors that disregard the needs and boundaries of others.
Understanding our histories and conditioning is vital. Many parents, perhaps unknowingly, may not provide the consistent boundaries needed during this formative stage, often due to their unresolved developmental experiences. Recognizing and addressing these patterns can lead to more conscious parenting practices that support the child’s healthy individuation process.
Incorporating insights from the Enneagram can further illuminate how different personality types navigate the challenges of separation and individuation. By fostering awareness and intentionality, we can better support the developmental needs of children during this pivotal stage, laying the groundwork for well-adjusted and empathetic individuals.
Consider this – often, NO is the most compassionate and intelligent need in a parenting moment.
John Harper is a longtime teacher, guide, and human development student whose work bridges psychology, spirituality, and deep experiential inquiry. He is the author of The Enneagram World of the Child: Nurturing Resilience and Self-Compassion in Early Life, available on Amazon.